Caldrea Body Lotion

Caldrea makes a range of cleaning products that eco conscious stewardesses use on boats. They come in plain bottles with ye olde style labels so they must be organic / good for the environment / not harsh on your hands / whatever. They work but not better than any other product I have ever tried, they leave the most horrific scent lingering in the air and they are more expensive. I smell a rat.

Actually I smell a cheap hooker and it is unfortunately me.

I received a sample of the Caldrea body lotion in my Birchbox, Aloe Water and Apricot. I don’t smell like either of these by the way because the scent is actually “Assured and easy, a modern white musk with florals and freshness” I don’t smell like that either. I wonder what freshness smells like. 

I received another two samples and they have been banished to the box of shame.

It seems as though the copywriters googled “Top 10 healthy things that rich people are using now” because I am told that this body lotion has; aloe water, apricot, shea, chia seed oil and ‘omega powers’. I don’t know what omega powers are. Maybe they got them from the same store as the freshness scent. Oh it is also Vegan. Classic.

"Conjures every pleasure" No it most certainly does not. "Smooth, soft yet clean" Why 'yet'? 

For the record I don’t feel any more moisturized than normal and the back of my throat is burning.  I am told that this lotion contains no phthalates (don’t know – will google), parabens (cancer causing goodies), formaldehyde (that chemical they put brains and things in to preserve them) and no artificial colours. The lotion is white, it must be bleached.

I don’t like it when package information details what isn’t in the product. If I buy a bottle of wine I don’t expect it to say ‘Contains no potatoes’. I feel like companies are desperate when they do that, like they are following me in the street trying to push things on me. “But try this! It has no arsenic in it.”

My skin is burning now.