Airports. Wow. Have you ever been more competitive in your
life? I haven’t. I was on my school swimming team and I didn’t compete with as
much heart as I do at the airport. I MUST be the best traveller, other than
George Clooney in that movie.
I roll my eyes at people who cannot perform the quick remove
shoes, belt, watch, jacket maneuver like I can. I tut furiously at those who do
not remove their laptops and liquids. “No ma’am, you cannot bring your soda
through.” Facepalm. Seriously, facepalm.
I get so caught up in it too. So caught up. And angry. I
know I shouldn’t, I always find other people’s airport stories a little
tiresome so I do understand that I shouldn’t be banging on about my own but I
have a blog now so there you go.
Anyway, I travel a fair amount so I thought I would share
some of the things I do that I have found useful.
-
Don’t take a wheely bag as your carry on
luggage. Wheely bags are good for one thing, wide smooth airport floors. Once
you are out of the airport and having to navigate uneven sidewalks and stairs
you are SOL. Carrying them through airplane aisles is another fun time. Look
back and see how many people you have concussed on the way to your seat. I use a bag from eBags called the Motherlode TLS Weekender, it is amazing, you can
check it or carry it on. I will do a formal review of it soon.
-
Don’t stress yourself out (rich coming from me).
Make sure you arrive early for your flight, resign yourself to the fact that a
travel day is a waiting around day. When I fly home I travel for around 30
hours so arriving an extra hour early is not too much of a sacrifice. If you
are on time and you are where you should be in the airport then you will never
run the risk of being that muppet who holds up the plane. Also, you cannot
control airplane delays, you can control personal delays. Get it together.
-
Flat shoes please ladies! I don’t care how adept
you are at walking in high heels, I don’t need you teetering around in front of
me. I advise wearing shoes with socks so when you have to take them off at
security your feet don’t actually touch the yucky floor. Shoes you can slip on
and off are great, I usually wear flat booties, they take a little while to get
back on but there are little chairs and benches just beyond security where you
can sit and reassess your life for a bit. No need to get flustered.
-
This is my getting through the gate routine:
Take two containers and place laptop and document folder in one (they get
snotty if you cover your laptop with stuff), place scarf, jacket, shoes, watch,
belt and liquids bag in the other. Place bag on conveyer belt in front of
containers. Keep your eyes on the officials at all times, don’t move until they
have told you to. Stand in whatever retarded pose they want you to stand in.
Usually it involves making a diamond shape above your head. Collect all your
belongings and carry them to the little chairs / benches so you are not
crowding the security area. Get dressed.
-
While you are waiting at your boarding gate /
the bar / Starbucks do yourself a favour and make a ‘take to your seat’ bag.
Mine includes an iPad, iPod, phone, extra socks, water (from beyond security ß sneaky tip), Noise
cancelling headphones, eye shades and a pen. Always take a pen. I put all of
this is a little shopping bag, those canvas ones you get, and carry it
separately. When we get to our seat my husband will just place our carry ons
into the overhead bin and we will sit down with all the bits and pieces we need
for a happy flight and minimal time spent blocking up the aisle.
-
Carry antibacterial wipes. I put these in my
‘take to your seat’ bag as well, I also have face wipes and wet wipes. Plane
bathrooms are vomit inducing to put it mildly. I know it is anal and OCD but I
will Clorox everything around me. Call me what you wish. Wet Ones come in handy
after mealtimes when the bathroom queue is long and the stewardesses are still
patrolling the aisles. Those Crest Wisp disposable toothbrushes are pretty good
too, don’t use them instead of brushing your teeth but if there is a queue / the
person next to you is sleeping it is better than hanging around with a dirty
mouth.
-
Be quiet, the last time I flew I had just
managed to dose off and the lady next to me struck up a really loud
conversation with someone across the plane and she was talking about me! Not
rudely, but still. Just use your inside voice. This comes in handy when you
don’t want to get slapped in the face with a meal tray.
-
Drink water. We each buy a 1.5l bottle from one
of the little stores beyond the security gate and finish it. Flying is very
dehydrating and the food they give you has a really high sodium content. Drink
water. Also, I will almost always have a sneaky beer before I fly but I rarely
ever imbibe on the plane.
-
If you are flying long haul and you are a poor
sleeper then take sleeping tablets. Some people are fine with the over the
counter types, I prefer to get a prescription because I wake up refreshed and
rested, not grumpy and looking like Gollum. If you are taking prescription
medication carry the script with you and definitely don’t drink. You will be a
hot mess.
-
Once you have landed and the doors are open,
sit. My husband taught me this one. Disembarkation is such a mission if you try
to be the first person off. You stand for at least 10 minutes before the line
moves and then you have to fuss about in the overhead locker. No. Just sit and
wait for a lull, then leave. Best advice ever.
-
American airports are have a Smart e-Cart system
which basically means you pay for a trolley that you are not really allowed to
take in certain areas and you only get your money back at the little station
where they are all kept which is not central by any stretch of the imagination.
If you can carry your bags then do. We carry duffel bags, my next purchase will
be a wheely duffel bag so once I am out the airport I can sling it over my
shoulder and not worry about the devil curbs.
-
Guess how many black and blue bags there are on
a carousel? A million. Fact. Guess how many red bags there are? Also a million.
People buy red and pink bags because they think, ‘OOH, I am so smart, I will
see this from a mile away.’ Everyone does it. Mark your bags distinctly, my
Granny made me pompoms one year and I tied those to the handle. Another thing
is 95% of the time (my statistic and figures are all totally accurate <- Foul lie) your bag
will come through upside down. It’s like the baggage handler’s cruel joke.
Don’t crowd the carousel, don’t climb on the carousel, if you are travelling
with someone then elect one of you to stand at the carousel. Don’t make things
difficult. Please.
-
Finally, have a plan. Never get to an airport
and think, ‘Ok well I will just take a cab. ‘ If you know where you are going
and what to expect then you cannot be swindled. If you are being picked up by
someone then that is great but if not then be smart. Find out where your
accommodation is in relation to the airport. Google map it before you leave. If
there is a hotel shuttle, great, if not well then you may have to take a cab.
Sometimes you have to take a little train, there is usually somebody on hand to
help you with that. When in doubt ask the cleaning staff, security are snotty
and awful, the information people are usually bored and over it but the
cleaning staff know the airport well and are always happy to help.
Be smart, travel safe and be aware. Oh and shop Duty Free!!!
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